- Mystere, the Walking Oxymoron
Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
I, Arekusu Ikari, am property of myself.
Regina and Leon are property of Capcom Entertainment of Japan/America
You can still contact me at ZelgadisXeal@aol.com.
This is not an attack or attempt to make the author look bad. It's all in good clean fun. Oh yeah...this Resident Evil 2 lemon is Jarek's work so he's quite welcome to keep it. All rights reserved n' stuff. Just don't sue me okay? Anyway, off you go peons!
[Alex's Opening Note]
[The MSTing is real...so why aren't I?]
In the way distant future, around 4900,
In a pub in outer space,
Mike Nelson and his robot pals,
Are getting a little break,
From their oh so cruel fate!
They tricked some unlucky saps,
To suffer in their place,
And read bad fanfics for Edgey's sake!
I'll send them crappy fanfics,
The worst I can possibly find! (la la la!)
I'll make them sit and watch them all,
To torture their under-paid minds! (la la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
When the fanfics begin or end, (la la la!)
They'll try to keep their sanity,
With the help of a few friends
(Calling all maggots!)
Arekusu Ikaaaari! (Alex works!)
Regina! (Not again the sequel!)
Leeeeeeon! (Dear god no!)
If you're wondering why two classics are here,
And other really dumb facts, (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself "We've hit nostalgia!
It'd be if I just sat back and relaxed!"
...for EVIL FANFIC THEATER 8475!! (BWAAAAANG!)
[Satellite of Dreams]
Alex and Edgey are at each other's throats again, holding the other by their shirt collars. Chibi-chan and RJ are looking on, shaking their heads.
And suddenly, Alex was compressed into a ball of light and shot through a window, into uncharted space. Edgey cackles at gets ready...
[Space (so detailed aren't I?)]
The single ball of light races through the endless blackness, closing in on a satellite in the distance. It flies right into it and hovers above a fine carpeted area, turning back into the previously mentioned guy.
A redhead and a man with dirty blonde hair slowly walk into the room, both armed with shotguns. The two are none other than Regina and Leon.
Regina: Who are you guys?
Alex: *looking at the shotguns nervously* Well...I'm Arekusu Ikari or Anger of Alex or just Alex but I can be called whichever you'd prefer! And you two are Regina and Leon.
Leon: How'd you know?
Alex: I play Dino Crisis and Resident Evil a lot. *the fourth wall breaks* And this place is?
Leon: The Satellite of Chiga.
Alex: Oh yeah! The same satellite, you, Regina, Claire and Zel were on.
Regina: How do you know all of this?
Alex: *winks* Trade secret. I know the drill though. We're forced to read bad fanfics by...
William Birkin and Edward Kirk and tied up in the background and Edgey is standing there, cackling all the while.
Edgey: I'm going to repay you for all those lemons I had to see! You have to read even more horrible fanfics until you can't stand it anymore! Your first piece of crap is an untitled Resident Evil 2 lemon! Suffer! MWAHAHAHA!! *lights, sirens and alarms go off*
Leon: Don't look now but we got fanfic sign!
[Seating Chart L-R: Alex, Regina and Leon]
>This is my first story and I hope people enjoy it. I wrote this because of
>the lack of Resident evil stories out there.
Leon: As if writing lemons was doing us any justice.
Regina: At least YOU weren't raped by a dinosaur!
>Also because of Biodreads excellent Resident Evil stories (This story may
>not be exactly to the story of the game but forgive me)
All: *monotone* No.
Regina: May not be exact to the story in the game? That's a bad sign.
>This story contains non-consensual sex as well as bestiality, tentacle
>rape, and other things.
Alex: It probably means 'Anal Sex with Lickers'.
Leon: No way! *suddenly presses his back against his seat*
>Resident Evil and all characters contained within are copyright of Capcom
Leon (Butt-head): Huh huh...he said 'contained'.
Alex (Beavis): Yeah! Heh heh...and then he said 'within'.
>The sound Snikt copyright marvel enterprises
Alex: You can copyright sounds!?
Leon: Guess so.
Alex: *whips out a cell phone* I want to copyright the sound 'DOOSH'!!
>Resident Evil-2 By Jarek
Regina: Go back to Mortal Kombat you pansy!
Leon: They were separated by an inescapable destiny...
>Claire Redfield was getting tired of being on her motorcycle she had been
>riding for hours
Regina: Whoaaaaa there. Leon doesn't have THAT much stamina.
>now after finding out that not only had she not heard from her brother in
>weeks but neither had any of his friends in Racoon
Alex: RACOON KABOOM! *makes an explosion sound*
>she decided it was time to get some answers. She had been riding now for
>hours and her ass was killing her
Regina: Through extremely poisonous body gas.
>not to mention the vibration of the motorcycle was making her extremely
Alex: Well, she shouldn't be riding her bike in a severe thunderstorm then.
>After about an hour more she finally saw Racoon city in the distance she
>decided to check some of her brothers usual haunts.
Leon (Chris): Which house do I haunt today? Oh yay! Rebecca Chamber's closet! Intense panty sniffing night! *WHAM!*
>After the fourth place she was extremely disturbed by two things the fact
>that she hadn’t seen a single car or person and secondly she had that
>nagging feeling she was being watched.
Regina: Shit! She's onto us! Duck! *everyone ducks*
>She decided the last place she would look would be the diner her and Chris
>had eaten at a couple of times.
Alex: *deep voice* Luncheon...in the forbidden zone!
>She entered and walk around a little and once again found not a single
>soul. As she was leaving a hand grabbed her by the leg.
Leon: But then she realized that she was only scratching her leg.
Regina (Claire): God damn mosquitoes.
>“AHHHHHH” she screamed and jumped backwards. As she watched in horror.
>A vaguely human creature rose from the ground. It was a human but it
Leon: Was wearing a Steve Chase t-shirt!
>colour had faded to a light blue and it had bite marks and other wounds all
>over its body and its eyes were completely white. Acting on impulse she
Alex: Unzipped her vest and flashed it to death!
Regina (Claire/Vegeta): FINAL FLASH!
>lunged for the back door when she opened it she was greeted by the barrel
>of a gun in her face.
Leon (Himself): And get funky!
>yelled the man. Claire leaped to the ground and next she heard the sound of
>a gun firing about three times.
Regina: *nitpicks* He only shot it once in the game.
>A hand appeared in front of her face “Come we have to get out of here” She
>grasped the hand stood up “My names Leon Kennedy”. She stood up and looked
>him I the face he was a handsome man a little taller than she was.
Alex: *nitpicks as well* He says 'We can't stay out here, let's head to the station. It'll be a lot safer.' and doesn't introduce himself untl they get in the car.
Leon: She never told me I was handsome either.
Regina: You sound disappointed.
>“My name is Claire Redfield I’m looking for my brother Chris”. Leon
>holstered his gun
Leon (Himself/George Bush): Down boy.
>and began to walk “Nice to meet you Claire too bad it had to be under these
>circumstances”. Claire followed him to his car and got in the passenger
Alex: While small zombie children played happily in the street and their mothers set pies on the windowsills in an overly friendly zombie neighborhood where zombies learned not to eat people.
>As they were driven they engaged in some slight conversation in which Leon
>said that there best bet was to go to the police station because that’s
>where any survivors would be held up.
Regina: On their way out of time that is.
>After driving for awhile they got within a few blocks of the station when
>Leon suddenly screamed Claire looked around for what he screamed about and
Regina: *mock horror* His erection has burst through his jeans and is now strangling him! *both men suddenly nervously look down at themselves*
>soon she saw it a zombie was grabbing him from the back seat. While
>fighting the zombie Leon crashed the car. “Claire are you OK?” asked Leon.
Leon: Distant cousin of Commented Crono.
Jack's voice: The jokes live on!
>Claire responded with a slight moan “I’ll be OK” She looked around and
>suddenly screamed “Lookout”. It took Leon a few minutes to figure out
Alex: What a square root of 34645832 was.
Leon: I don't even want to try guessing.
>what she was talking about but then he saw it a huge semi trailer behind
>them was heading straight for them.
Alex (Leon/Uncle Jimbo): My god! It's coming right for us! *Leon fires his shotgun*
>“Claire hurry up and get out of the car if we get split up just head for
>the station”. She leapt out of the car and blacked out.
Regina: Jumping out of cars just requires a lot of exertion of energy.
>When she awoke she was inside of a store being stood over by a large man >holding a shotgun. “Good to see you wakin up Darlin” said the man.
Leon (Guy): I was about to rape you in your sleep.
Alex: FF7: Materia flashbacks...*shudders*
>She stood up and almost fell down immediately .she started to get her
>bearings and realised she was naked “what the hell is this” she screamed.
Leon (Guy): It's NAKEDNESS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
>“Well” said the man ”I found you on the ground with zombies getting around
>you and I scared them off with my gun
Alex: The poor zombies.
>and after I brought you here I stripped you so that when you woke up you
>could properly repay me”. This man disgusted Claire she backed away slowly
>“Theirs no way I’m going to fuck you” screamed Claire.
Regina: But she did and held up her middle finger instead of getting into the messy stuff.
Leon (Claire): There! I just fucked you!
>The man pointed his gun at Claire and unzipped his pants letting his dick
>fall out of his pant. “You don’t really have a choice baby now get on your
>knees and suck my cock”.
Leon: Given the choice of death and something like that, I think I'd rather bite the bullet.
>As she was contemplating what to do she heard the glass of the shop window
>break and zombies break in and swarm over than man tearing into his flesh.
Alex: They just busted in and started going at him with their meat grinders.
Leon: Meat grinders...*shudders*
>She saw her clothes by the back door and ran for them and grabbed them as
>she ran out the door. Claire headed for the station and as she was entering
Regina: Claire is a guy?! Huh!? *Leon spits and wipes off his tongue*
>she saw some helicopter flying to the back of the station soon she heard a
>crash from back there she entered cautiously.
Leon: That's why zombies shouldn't fly helicopters.
All: Sherry's Boogaloo!
>Claire entered the police station and wandered around for awhile and found
>nothing finally as she came to the door of the second floor balcony she
>could hear a noise coming from the other side BLAM BLAM.
Alex: Random words typed in caps just attacked us! *Regina mimics her damaged pose*
>She opened the door to see Leon shooting a huge creature in a black
>trenchcoat advancing on Leon even as he was unloading his shotgun into the
Regina: Hey! What'd the little hand ever do to you Leon?!
Alex: Yeah! The thing was cool!
>It reached him and grabbed his neck.
Alex: Thing gets his revenge!
>Leon gasped as the creature used his other hand to grab him by the pants
>and ripped them off then tore his other clothes off.
Leon: ...*realization sinks in* NooooooOOOooooo!!!!!!! *grabs onto Regina and starts sobbing*
>The creature proceeded to throw off is trenchcoat to reveal his naked body
>hanging from which was a cock that was clearly ten inches long and as thick
>around as Claire’s forearm and it was currently limp.
Regina: Looks like the saying will change from 'hung like a horse' to 'hung like Mr. X'.
>Claire watched in horror as the creature bent Leon over the police
>administration desk and held him in place with one hand then using the
>other one to guide his stiffening penis to the entrance to Leon’s anus.
Alex: But his penis was really a loaded gun and he shot Leon square in the ass! *Leon starts bawling louder and well as holding his buttcheeks closed*
>Then in one sudden violent movement it thrust it’s gigantic cock into
>Leon’s ass. “YEARGHHH” Leon streamed as the gigantic cock buried itself to
>the hilt into his ass.
Regina: That's gonna linger. *Alex shifts in his seat*
>Claire continued to watch as the creature pulled itself out of Leon only to >thrust itself violently inside him once again. It began pumping in and out
>of Leon’s ass with a hard deep rhythm.
Alex: We ain't jammin' mon.
>Claire heard Leon’s screams were in rhythm with the creatures thrusts
>“UH..UH..UH..UH..UH..UH” Claire also say something that amazed here she
>spied Leon’s cock which was fully hard.
Regina: So Leon used it as a club and beat Mr. X with it! *Regina's mouth suddenly starts water while she stares at the Leon on the screen*
>As she watched the merciless anal rape of the man who had saved her Claire
>was amazed to find she was feeling wet and horny.
Alex: Lemon Rule #5467: All women are two-bit whores when the need for it arises.
>Her hand unconsciously slid under her pants and into her underwear to find >her clit which she began stroking. A moan from below made her realise what
>she was doing
Regina: What? Did her crotch moan or something?
>and she snapped her hand out of her pants and saw the source of the noise. >While she mad been starting to masturbate the creature had changed position
Alex: He also got signal and main screen turned on.
>it was now sitting down on the desk with Leon impaled on his cock he was
>using his hands to bounce Leon up and down on his cock. The moan cam
Leon: *wiping his eyes* They make cameras like that?
>from Leon who was now willingly bouncing up and down on the creature’s cock
>moaning and groaning with pleasure from the cock rammed up his ass.
Alex: Reminds me of that tool in that one class I had. Ridge Reamer I think it was called. *Regina shifts in her seat now*
>Leon continued to moan as his cock began to twitch and he let out a loud
>moan and began to spurt his cum into the air.
Leon: Poor me. All that 'pleasure' and no woman to let off all the stress into. *Regina once again starts drooling and licks her lips*
>After his cock shot its load the creature began to roar what sounded like
>an orgasmic roar.
Alex (Mr. X/Chris): HYAAAAAH! *gunshots*
>As he pushed Leon up to the point where his cock almost came out of his ass
>and Claire Heard a loud SNIKT! Noise Come from the creature. The creature
>slammed Leon down onto his cock but this time instead of the normal size a
>twelve inch long blade had protruded from his cock and was now partly
>protruding out of the top of Leon Kennedy’s head.
Alex and Leon: !! NooooooooOOOOOOooooo!!!! *scream bloody murder*
>Claire screamed as the creature stood up with corpse still attached put
>it’s trenchcoat on and then push the body off of it’s cock-blade as the
>blade disappeared into the cock.
Regina: This gives a new meaning to the phrase 'putting the sword back in its sheath'.
>The creature did it’s trenchcoat back up and stomped off into a room on the
>other side of the hall.
Leon (Mr. X): I hate it when my lovers die on me!
>That’s when she saw another weird creature this one looked like it had been
>turned inside out and walked on four legs.
Hiddenshade's voice: A giant inverted Alabama crab! RUN!
>Slowly the thing advanced and Claire ran. She explored the Police station
>until she heard the sound of crying.
Alex: I'd be crying too if I was put in a lemon like this.
>She followed the noise to find a small blonde girl sitting in a corner
>crying. “Hello little girl I’m Claire do you need help? Where are the
>others?” Claire asked. The girl got up and looked at Claire “My names
>Sherry and I’m all alone here” said the girl meekly.
Regina (Sherry): I had to eat everyone else because they were being mean poopy dumb dumb heads!
Leon: *shudders* I won't see Sherry the same way ever again..
>“Well let’s try and find a way out of here Sherry” Claire said reassuringly
>The girl got up and began to follow Claire. Sherry then said “I know a way
>out of here follow me”. Claire walked after the girl and The girl showed
Leon: Off her impressive collection of Barbie dolls.
>her a passage into the sewer system “This is the only way out but I was
>afraid to go alone.”. Claire followed the girl as she crawled through the
>ducts. Indecent thought began creeping into Claire’s mind.
Alex (Claire): I wonder what would happen if I mixed pineapples with peanut butter...
Regina (Claire): What if Crowded Street and Organized Chaos had a kid?
Leon (Claire): What if the Vikings finally won the superbowl?
All but Alex: HORRORS!
>What a nice shaped ass I bet she has a tasty pussy Claire began envisioning
>laying the seven year old down and playfully licking the girls…
Alex: Uh...is that a new variation of the song 'Kiss the girl'?
Leon: o/~ You've got to...lick de girls! o/~
>Claire stopped her thoughts right there she couldn't believe what was
>happening first she had started to masturbate at the site of Leon's anal
>rape then she had sexual thoughts about this seven year old girl, What was
Regina: The effects of being in a lemon are drawing her in! Oh the humanity!
Leon: There should be a warning about turning pedophiliac when put in a lemon.
Alex: Just wait until you see what someone challenged me with in the seventeenth MSTing.
>Claire suddenly screamed and dropped out of sight Claire looked and found
>that she had fallen down a trap door, which quickly closed.
Leon: She had been eaten by a mechanical monster and it was dropping her into its burning oil stomach acids!
Alex: And they call me bitter in school.
>She crawled on and came to a larger space kind of like a room in the ducts
>I had a small barred window that Claire soon heard screaming coming from.
Alex: The horrors of small barred windows revealed! They scream!
>Claire hurried to the window and saw Sherry backing away from something
>but. Then she saw it was a vaguely human creature bat with huge arms and it
>was headed for Sherry. “No” screamed Claire. Sherry looked up at Claire and
Regina: Flipped her off for just letting herself fall into that hole!
>was suddenly lifted into the air by a tentacle wrapped around her waist.
Leon: Now who here is happy that Resident Evil 2 isn't like this? *everyone raises their hand, the third wall crumbles*
>The main tentacle let go and one wrapped around each arm and leg. Sherry
>was lifted into the air and raised to eye level with the thing Sherry
>managed to say between sobs “Please daddy…no”.
Regina: Daddy?! Uh oh....UH OH!
Alex: Incest...bad...flashbacks of...the Valerias...argh!!
>It was then Claire saw the other tentacles they were huge phallic tentacles
>and they swarmed all over the small child’s body. Once again Claire felt
>herself getting wet and extremely horny. A tentacle probed around the small
>child’s pussy lips then it began entering her.
Alex: Holy shit! The tentacles are plot devices too! Sherry just went from being fully dressed to nude!
Leon: *retching* You didn't have to remind me..
>Sherry screamed in pain and tears flowed down her face as a massive phallic
>tentacle entered her virgin hole. The tentacle began to withdraw then began
>thrusting itself inside of Sherry it did these several times before
>settling into a rhythm.
All (Darees): We still not be jammin'.
>Sherry’s cries of pain were cut short as another tentacle shoved itself
>into her tiny mouth and began throat fucking her.
Leon: Probably to just shut her up.
>Claire’s mind snapped off save for the thought of getting off she striped
>off all of her clothes and began watching the rape of Sherry.
Regina: They aren't keeping up on the little rhymes or whatever.
>Claire began rubbing her breasts and playing with her cunt. As she heard
>the sounds of the things ejaculation she saw the creature pull the tentacle
>out of Sherry’s mouth and it began spurting it’s thick sperm
Regina: Oh really? For a second, I thought it was thin as water.
Alex: Sarcastic much?
>all over Sherry’s naked body then another tentacle replaced it and another
>was currently shooting it’s load over Sherry’s ass in an attempt to
Leon: And it was doing what before that?
Alex: Don't ask stuff like that! It might actually tell us!
>It then rammed itself inside of Sherry’s ass. Claire Thrust her fingers
>inside of herself and began moaning in pleasure. The creature then came
>inside of sherry’s pussy it filled her completely until it just started to
>squirt out around the tentacle.
Regina: Overload in the danger zone? *Alex flinches slightly at the scene*
>Sherry screamed s the tentacle in her Tender little ass began to squirt its
>warm load inside of her bowels
Alex (Meltina/Cinch): Commence bowel evacuation.
>it pulled out and continued to squirt over her shapely ass and beautiful
>six-year-old body Another quickly replaced it furiously fucking her tight
Leon: Ugh...can't...take it anymore...*faints*
Regina: *hanging over the back of her seat vomiting* Oh man...so...gross...
Alex: I'm giving a new meaning to survival horror now.
>This continued for hours the tentacles one after another taking turns
>fucking all of Sherry’s holes and Claire furiously masturbating she had
>lost track of how many times she had cum.
Alex: For her calculator had exploded.
>The creature then opened it’s legs wide to reveal a hulking penis
>protruding from between his legs it was almost as tall as sherry and as
>wide around as her arm.
Alex: Goodbye Sherry! *waves*
>The creature picked Sherry into the air and began lowering her down on top >of it. Sherry screamed as the head of the monster cock began working its
>way into her tiny pussy it slowly worked her down onto half of it’s length
>then began pushing her up and down forcing more of it through her. Sherry
>screamed as the monster fucked her onto this giant cock for a half an hour
Regina: *weakly* But by that time, she was only a really fat corpse. *Alex flinches at Regina's comment*
>then roared as it shot its giant load inside of her most of it flowed out
>of her and down her thighs. Sherry lapsed into unconsciousness as the
>creature slid her cum covered little body off of its huge cock and stalked
Alex (William Birkin): Nothing like a one-night stand with my daughter to perk me right up!
>Claire continued finger fucking herself for almost half an hour before she
>came out of her sexual induced haze. She looked out the vent and saw
>Sherry’s small body lying on the ground.
Leon: *barely awake* And she jumped out and stomped on her stomach, drowning them both in sperm!
Alex: *both eyes turn red as he gets an evil aura*
>Claire got dressed and kicked open the vent and crawled down. She gazed
>over Sherry’s small body. Her pussy grew even wetter with arousal as her
>eyes wandered over every curve of Sherry’s body.
Regina: She's more like the final stretch in a race. No curves on her.
>She stuck her tongue out and licked some of the sperm off Sherry’s leg.
>Licking until she filled her mouth with salty sperm she then swirled It
>around in her mouth savouring the taste then swallowing it.
Leon: Hit the deck! *Regina and Leon hide as Alex does a mock-DBZ Saiya-jin change and wipes out most of the remaining lemon with a sudden discharge of all his anger*
Alex: The Ikari part of my name isn't there for shits and giggles you know. *sits back down in his seat*
>Claire stood up and shambled around the city, Green cum dripping off her
>body. She found eight zombie and crawled over tot hem on their hands and
>knees and started sucking on ones cock as the others positioned around her
>and under her and began fucking her.
Leon: What makes them think that zombies still have pieces of anatomy LEFT in the first place?
>Claire continued fucking every zombie in the city all day for days until a
>military strike force came into the city and cleared it off all zombies.
>Claire managed to fuck one to death before his squad shot her into pieces.
Alex: *loudly* YOU DIED.
[Reverse Door Sequence]
Alex: That was nothing compared to what's coming up next. Someone hit the button before I get mad! *Fade to black*
Perhaps that was the most important part.
[Season One MSTings]
Episode 001: Zelgadiss the Rapper - Prologue
Episode 002: The Anime Laws
Episode 003: Zelgadiss the Rapper - I need to be a hero
Episode 004: Time Flies
Episode 005: Zelgadiss the Rapper - You guys can sit in the back
[Season Two MSTings]
Episode 006: Little Boys with Bad Intent
Episode 007: Pure Sex
Episode 008: A Poker Game
Episode 009: Ranma ½: Akane's Twin - Who Am I?
Episode 010: Resident Evil: Code Veronica - Trapped In A Plane
Episode 011: Resident Evil 3: Nemesis - Trapped In The Basement
Episode 012: Untitled Resident Evil 2 Lemon
[Phantasy Star Online Intruders]
Episode 001: Kyle's Saga (Part 1): Meeting A New Allies...
Episode 002: By the Lake
Episode 001a: Kyle's Saga (Part 2): Meeting A New Allies...
[Shameless Plug Alert]
Read the god damn warning page!