"They say one should not speak unkindly of the dead so I say nice try." - Lezard Valeth, Valkyrie Profile
Legal Snuff
Zelgadis Arashi Xeal belongs to and is copyrighted by moi.
Akred Seltoria is Stephie's own creation so no stealing.
Ryoko Shirou is property of Andy-chan. Same appearance different personality.
Sephirothtsu Valentine is Candice's but don't get me wrong, the girl isn't my friend so I couldn't care less about her, I just needed another character. Personal issues.
All other characters are property of their respective owners
Resident Jigalo was made by SirSly.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters is owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
'Pure Sex' is owned by Jab2099 and he's entitled to it. Nothing bad or offense was meant by this MSTing. This is like...lemon MSTing number four or five. Either way, off ya go.
In the semi-distant future, around 2004,
There was a guy called Hellmaster Phibrizo
He was a nutty guy, a really insane ace!
Akred and Zel put him in his place,
But he came back and shot some random people into space!
(IN THE NAME OF ALL THE GODS!)
(Hellmaster singing)
I'll send them weird fanfics,
the weirdest I can find! (la la la!)
I'll make them sit and watch them all,
To torture their puny minds! (la la la!)
(Normal Singers)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
When the fanfics begin or end, (la la la!)
They'll try to keep their sanity,
With the help of a few friends
(UMBRELLA HIT LIST!)
Zelgadis! (Can you do it?!)
Ryokooooo! (YES I CAN!)
Akred! (Let's do it!)
Sephirothtsuuuu! (Let's go!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breath,
And other science facts, (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself "It's not real!
I should really just relax."
...for EVIL FANFIC THEATER 8475!! (BWAAAAANG!)
[Satellite of Prominence]
Zel, Ryoko, Akred and Seph are sitting at a card table. Zel is only wearing his boxers, Ryoko and Akred only wearing their panties and Seph is fully clothed has a pile of clothes next to his chair.
Zel: Hello there everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Prominence. We were just in the middle of a rigged game of Strip Poker.
Ryoko: Only because Seph is too damn shy to take off any of his clothing.
Seph: Well sorry! I only wanna show my body to Akred, so sue me.
Akred: You don't have enough money for that.
Zel: Now now...let's not pick on Seph. *the red button flashes and everyone gathers around the monitor as Zel hits the button*
[Hell]
Hellmaster: Hello my little test sub-.....ooooo...
[SoP]
Zel: Um...ladies...cover your breasts.
Ryoko: You don't want to see them Zelly-kun...?
Zel: I see them constantly so I won't be missing much...no offense.
The ladies quickly cover themselves.
[H]
Hellmaster: Erm...anyway...your lovely little Pokémon lemon today is called 'Pure Sex'. I hope you enjoy it.
[SoP]
All: *monotone* Yay. *sirens and klaxons go off*
Zel: We've got LEMON SIGN!!
[Door Sequence]
Door 6: Four dressing rooms. Akred, Zel, Seph and Ryoko each walk into one.
Door 5: It's Nemesis. You choose to fight and defeat Nemesis who only gets up seconds later. You flee.
Door 4: It's a Resident Evil: Code Veronica ad. You smile, nod and move on as Nemesis closes in.
Door 3: It's a No Nemesis zone. Nemesis walks away crying. You blink and continue.
Door 2: It's lake with a door at the bottom, you dive in and manage to make it through.
Door 1: Sliding patio door.
{Seating Chart: Zel, Ryoko, Akred and Seph}
>This is my first lemon so please bare with me here. My e-mail
>addy will be posted at the end if you have any quetions or
>comments.
Akred: What?! No flames?!
>Pure Sex
Zel & Ryoko: Is the type we like best! ^_^
>Ash and Misty had traveled for a while and decided to camp
>out in a small forest. Pikachu laid sleep in a tree, Ash was
>in his sleeping bag, his back to Misty-he was thinking of
>days to come.
Seph (Day): HYAAAAAUGGGGH! *splurt*
Zel: Nice sound effects.
Seph: Thanks.
>Misty looked at Ash, "boy is he cute", she said out-loud
>thinking Ash was asleep. Ash turned
Akred: To stone.
>around with a surprised look on his face, he liked Misty, but
>he never knew she felt the same way about him.
Zel: So Ash has feelings for Brock or something..?
All: Ewwwwww...yaoi bad.
>"You were awake?", Misty asked blushing. Ash just got up,
>walked over to Misty and laid down facing her. "WWWhat...
>Are...", Misty was cut off with a passionate kiss. The kiss
>lasted for
Ryoko: Ten minutes, killing them both due to lack of air.
>what seemed like days, as there tongue's toyed and teased
>each other.
Seph (Ash): Super PMSing Action Misty action figure sneaks up on a pair of unsuspecting guards and...
Akred (SPMSAM): Super PMS! *knocks two action figures over*
Zel (Ash): Neener neener neeeeeener!
Ryoko (Misty): Oooo...tease me some more Zelly-kins.....er....WAAAAIIIIIII!!! Meanie!
>"Oh!", Misty opened her eyes. She felt Ash's hardening dick
>press against her flat stomach, as he rolled onm top of her.
>Ash sat up,
Zel: Lemon Cliché #876: What continuation?
>knees pressed on the ground beside Misty, and slid off his
>shirt. "I love strong guys"
Akred (Misty): And since there are none here, I'll be going.
>, Misty commented as she caressed Ash's well cut chest.
Seph: He should see a doctor about those cuts..
>Misty then slid down her suspender straps and took off her
>bright yellow t-shirt. Her niipples stood on top of her
>small hill shaped breast.
Ryoko (Misty/Servo): I'm HUGE!
Seph: She only has one boob?
>"Firm...", Ash said as he attacked her breast, caressing
>them. He kissed her all over her neck, slowly moving down.
Zel: And sinking his teeth into her neck, slowly draining her of all her blood...
Ryoko: Calm down Zel...
Seph: She DOES have one boob!
>He then began to suck Misty's now, very hard nipples, and she
Akred: Screamed as Ash sucked them right off and swallowed them.
Seph (Ash): Mmm...nipplicious.
>moaned, feeling an orgasm slowly building up. Ash moved down
>slowly after a while, kissing her every time he stopped. When
>he finally got there, Ash slid down her blue jean shorts.
Zel: And fled from her poor wardrobe.
>Misty's small, curled pubic hairs moved with the wind, and a
>small trickling stream of her sweat juice
Seph: Ewww...sweaty juice.
Zel: I think he meant SWEET juice.
Seph: So Misty is some type of fruit now..?
Zel: No...that'd be Xelloss.
>slid down her outer walls. Ash waisted no time, and he
>quickly began eating Misty's wet pussy.
Ryoko: Anyone feel free to make a 'Wet Cat' joke.
>She smiled and moaned, as purepleasure was spread through-out
>her body. "Yesss...
Zel (Megatron): I will destroy Optimus....yessssssss...
>Ash, oh yeah... eat me... yeahhHHH!!!", Misty shouted as cum
>shot from her pussy, into Ash's mouth, and all over his face.
Akred (Ash): AHHHH!! I'm blind!
>"Taste great", he said with a smile, and quickly ressumed
>sucking, cleaning every drop of Misty's sweat nectar.
Seph: Flowers sweat nectar...?
Zel: Heh heh heh...
>After Misty's second orgasm, Ash stopped and laid on his
>back. "Suck me",
Zel: Yeah! Suck it!
Ryoko: Okay! *starts to get out of her seat*
Zel: I didn't mean you...
>he said with a smerk.
Akred: As opposed to a smark.
>Misty began sucking Ash's fully hard nine inch cock. She
>gagged as Ash's dick touched the back of her mouth, but she
>just kept going, sucking, and licking
Ryoko (Misty): The popsicle must die!
>non-stop, Ash's dick just probing her mouth. "Yes!...Blow
>me... Suck me", Ash moaned as he >neared an orgasm.
Zel: HYAAAAUUUGGGGHHH! *gunshots*
Akred: Hehehe...
>"Oh yeah... suck me, yes, yes, yesssss...", he busted in
>Misty's mouth, and she stood there, still sucking his dick,
>enjoying the taste.
Akred: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
> After a while Misty stopped, she got on her hands and knees
>and shook her plump, pear shaped ass.
Ryoko: I thought it was the peaches that looked like asses.
Zel: Smile and nod.
>"Ohhh- Ashhhh", she said- teasing. He got behind her and
>slowly rubbed her cheaks. He then began to tickle her,
>teasing her ass with his tongue, making Misty laugh and moan
>in delight.
Akred: And us gag in disgust.
>Misty was extremely horny now and she wanted Ash. " Enough
>fun and games... I want you in me. Fuck me Ash, fuck me lick
>you've never fucked before...", Ash quickly went into action
All: INTENSE QUICK-NESS ACTION!
>sliding his extremely hard member between Misty's ass-cheaks.
>The pain was imbareble, and Misty shrieked as Ash quickly
>pushed his huge cock into her ass.
Ryoko (Misty): EXIT ONLY! EXIT ONLY!
>Excruciating pain spread through-out Misty's body, as Ash
>pumped faster and faster,
Seph (Ash): Must...fill...bucket...full...of...water!
>picking up a rhythm. Misty had never known it could be this
>pain full, and she let out another loud scream, wishing for
>the pain to stop.
Akred: So she broke it off. *Zel and Seph shudder*
>After a while Misty calmed down. Her screams turned into
>moans and she had ajusted to Ash's size.
Zel: But the romance was cut short as Misty ripped some major ass.
Akred (Misty): *giggle* Excuse me. I farted.
Ryoko: At least you haven't done that Zelly..
>"Yes, Yes...", she said, finally enjoying the great sex. Ash
>began to thrust him harder into Misty,
Ryoko: Thrust HIM? Is he shoving a midget up her ass or something?
Akred: Or Pikachu.
Zel (Brock): Putting on a little weight Misty? Your stomach is huge!
Seph (Pikachu): *muffled cries*
>as he was about to climax. "YESS, YESSS, YESSSSSSSS!!!!!",
Seph (Megatron): THE ENERGON IS MINE! YESSSSSSSS!!
>he thrusted in one more time and burst. His cum shooting into
>Misty's (now sore) ass, some spilling out to the side. It
>was all over, Misty flopped down on to her sleeping bag. Ash laid
Zel: Her again, this time using the correct orifice.
>beside her, breathing heavily.
Seph (Ash): *gasp wheeze* I shouldn't have had that cigarette...
>"That was great", Misty said with a smile. "You think that
>was good, wait till later", Ash said with a little chuckle.
>"Hey!, look at Pikachu",
Akred (Misty): Brock doesn't look very pleased with what Pikachu is doing though...
>Misty said pointing to the tree where he slept. They had not
>noticed but Pikachu had woke up from all the sounds he heard
>and was in shock from what he had seen. "He'll be alright Ash
Ryoko (Misty): Pikachu will but Brock might not...
>said as he gave Misty a little kiss in the cheak. For now get
>a little rest you'll need your energy.
Seph (Ash): So I can drain you of it. Mwahahahaha!
>End
>If you have any questions or comments or you just want to
>talk my e-mail is
Akred: Sickfreak@pokélemonsrule.com.
Zel: No dissing the author.
>jab2099@yahoo.com
>__________________________________________________
>Do You Yahoo!?
Zel: Yahoooooo!!
>Send instant messages & get email alerts with Yahoo!
>Messenger.
>http://im.yahoo.com/
[Reverse Door Sequence]
Door 6: You slide the door shut.
Door 5: You rise to the surface of the lake and pull yourself out of the water.
Door 4: You safe as this is the No Nemesis zone.
Door 3: The Code Veronica ad has been torn down, you shrug and keep going.
Door 2: Nemesis is playing Resident Evil 3 and is completely oblivious to you, you move on.
Door 1: Akred, Zel, Seph and Ryoko walk back out of a dressing room.
[Satellite of Prominence]
The following shall be done how SirSly wrote Resident Jigalo. Advance with caution.
For the record, this is the cast.
Barry Burton will be played by Zel.
Jill Valentine will be played by Ryoko.
Chris Redfield shall be played by Seph.
Rebecca Chambers' role will be filled by Akred.
Setting: The bathroom of a zombie-filled mansion (or just the SoP's bathroom)
Ryoko: (enters bathroom, undresses and starts to take a shower)
Zelgadis: (enters bathroom)
Ryoko: What is that?
Zelgadis: Ryoko?
Ryoko: Hi, Zelly. Why on Earth are you here?
Zelgadis: I'll be examining this. (proceeds to examine Ryoko's safety zone)
Ryoko: Zelly......ZELLY!!
Zelgadis: I just had something I wanted to check. I think I'll stay and look around more.
Seph: (enters bathroom) Woah!!
Zelgadis: What the hell?
Ryoko: Seph, You're here, too?
Seph: I think I'm beginning to understand.
Ryoko: That's what I was going to say.
Zelgadis: Seph is our old partner, you know.
Seph: Hey, we're partners, aren't we? Let's work together.
Zelgadis: (unzips pants) Look at THIS.
Seph: Wow!
Ryoko: What is it?
Zelgadis: What do you think of it?
Seph: Protect yourself.
Zelgadis: Perhaps that was the most important part.
Seph: Let's go!
Zelgadis: Okay, I'll go first. (condom breaks) Damn! It's broken!
Seph: Seems like it.
Zelgadis: Oh my god...
Ryoko: Hey...What's going on?
Seph: Alright, can you do it?
Zelgadis: (growls hungrily)
Seph and Zelgadis: (unzip pants and have rough sex. Seph acheives orgasm.)
Zelgadis: Lost courage already?
Seph: I'm sorry for my lack of manners. But, I'm not used to escorting men. (Ryoko finishes showering) Ryoko! Let's do it.
Ryoko: Ahh, yes. Zelly!
Zelgadis: Ryoko sandwich!
Seph: Right.
Ryoko: Zelly, don't screw up again.
Seph: Let's go!
Seph, Zelgadis, and Ryoko: (Seph and Zelgadis simultaneously penetrate Ryoko. All three have rough sex.)
Ryoko: Thank you, Zelly.
Zelly: Yeah, yeah...
Akred: (enters bathroom) Is this a meeting room or something?
Seph: Is that you Akred?
Akred: Yes.
Seph: Akred, can you do it?
Akred: YES I CAN! May I practice for a while?
Seph: Just relax and play.
Akred: Seph, look at this! (masturbates)
Zelgadis: Oh my god!
Akred: You like it?
Seph: Oh, that was great!
Akred: I feel like we're having a secret meeting!
Seph: Let's do it!
Akred and Seph: (begin having very rough sex)
Akred: Ouch!...Ahh, Seph!
Seph: AKREEEEEDDD!!
Zelgadis: Look at those monsters! He's insane! (joins Seph and Akred) I have THIS!
Akred: Ouch!
Ryoko: Zelly... (joins the orgy)
The Foursome: (reach orgasm simultaneously)
Zelgadis: (zips pants) Well, I think I'll go out and get some fresh air for a change.
[Hell]
Hellmaster: That was stupid. Garv. Push the button.
Garv: Right-o.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Game Over
>Ash began to thrust him harder into Misty,
[Season One MSTings]
Episode 001: Zelgadiss the Rapper - Prologue
Episode 002: The Anime Laws
Episode 003: Zelgadiss the Rapper - I need a hero
Episode 004: Time Flies
Episode 005: Zelgadiss the Rapper - You guys can sit in the back
[Season Two MSTings]
Episode 006: Little Boys with Bad Intent
Episode 007: Pure Sex