"O-o-oreo, o-oreo! What's the middle? The white stuff." - Steph

Legal Crap

Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Regina and Leon are both owned by Capcom.
Zelgadis Xeal is my own original character so nyah.
All other characters are property of their owners. (Obviously)

E-mail the original four card stud at ZelgadisXeal@aol.com


This is not an attack or attempt to make the author look bad. It's all in good clean fun. Oh yeah... Zelgadiss The Rapper is Chibi-chan's work so she's quite welcome to keep it. All rights reserved n' stuff. Just don't sue me okay? Anyway, off you go peons!

In the very distant future, around 2033,
There was some guys called William Birkin and Dr. Kirk
They were a couple of nutty guys, the crazy man duo
Leon and Regina put them in their place,
But they came back and shot them into space!

(The T-Rex roars)

(Birkin and Kirk singing)
We'll send them weird fanfics,
the weirdest I can find! (la la la!)
We'll make them sit and watch them all,
To torture their puny minds! (la la la!)

(Normal Singers)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
When the fanfics begin or end, (la la la!)
They'll try to keep their sanity,
With the help of a few friends


Zechs! (FOOLZ!)
Noin! (Zechs-kuuuuuun!)
Heero! (Omoe o korosu!)
Delitaaaaa (INSANE IN DA BRAIN!)
Agriassss (STEADY SWORD!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breath,
And other science facts, (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself "It's not real!
I should really just relax."



[Satellite of Chiga]

It's just another normal day on the Satellite of Chiga except for the fact that it's getting more occupants everyday. The two doctors, Kirk and Birkin claimed they didn't have enough subjects and began to beam person after person onto the satellite, Zechs Merquise, Lucrezia Noin, Heero Yuy, Agrias Oaks and Delita Hyral some of the more noticable ones. Zelgadis and Regina quickly find out what the hell is goin' on.

[Umbrella Lab]

A very nervous Tron Bonne appears on-screen.

Tron: *speaking to a voice in the background* So I just laugh evilly and demand why they called?
Dr. Kirk: Right...hey! What're you two snickering about?!

Tron turns and stares at Zel n' Regina, who are currently busy laughing their asses off.
Tron: Oh um....HAHAHAHAHAHA! Who dares disturb us?!
Dr. Kirk: Not bad...
Tron: So what do ya want? Huh?! What?!


Zel: I want to talk to the good doctor right there..
Regina: You mean we dear..
Zel: ...WE want to talk to Kirk.


Kirk: What do you two dorks want?


Regina: Why are there more people on the satellite now?
Zel: Bad enough that we have to be up here as it is.


Kirk: Me n' Birkin found some great deals on people to torture. We even got some Gundam people that have no idea what the hell is going on! HAHAHAHA! Anyway, we're gonna see how the new guys hold up in the next part of 'Zelgadiss The Rapper'! Tell them about fanfic sign and stuff.

The screen goes blank.


Zel: Guess we have no choice...

Two hours later...

Zel: You guys understand now?
Zechs: Yeah...sounds easy.
Noin: I agree with Zechs-kun.
Heero: Mission accepted...
Agrias: I still don't understand why we're here.
Delita: Fine.

Lights and alarms go off madly.

Zel: Don't look now but y'all got FANFIC SIGN!

[Door Sequence]

Door 6: A tidal wave. You get swept away.
Door 5: It's Id. You battle him and lose.
Door 4: It's Solaris. Id pushes you in.
Door 3: Midgar. You cough and flee.
Door 2: The Powerpuff Girls. You continue to flee.
Door 1: It's Bigfoot. You dance with him and Courage the cowardly dog.
Door .7: Sliding patio door. You open it.

[Seating from Left to Right: Zechs, Noin, Heero, Agrias and Delita]

Noin: We haven't done anything together for a while Zechs-kun...
Zechs: Aside from...you know.
Delita: *sweatdrop* More than I wanted to know..

>Zelgadiss the Rapper
>Part 2

Agrias: Sayruun Boogaloo!

>“You Guys Can Sit in the Back”

Delita: *breaking into song* And relax....for Mystery Science Theatre 3000! *crash*
Heero: *sigh* There goes the fourth wall.


> *Begin stupidity! ^^*

Heero: Hey! They're bringing in Quatre!
Zechs: That was cruel Heero.

>[Lanford Doughnut]

All: Eh?

>*Gourry and Cecilia are, predictably, eating.

Noin: Extreme face stuffing!

>Xelloss tries to find further ways of breaking the memory cards*

Delita: Chibi is gonna kill him...
Heero: Alex already wants to.
Alex's Voice: Correction...I have...uwee hee hee..*WA-TAK*
Chibi's Voice: You bastard!

>PJ CeCe: *Muffled* Shubent ‘e ‘e ‘ere by dow?

Agrias [Inner Voice]: Eehahaeeee!

>Sunny Xelloss: *Checks a watch he summoned from Pocketspace
>(a subdivision of Hammerspace)* Hmm, he is running a bit
>late… *Zelgadiss finally reaches our group at Lanford
>Doughnut* You’re late. ^_^;;

Zechs [Zel]: I tried to ditch the 'fic but my guide was Ryouga.
Noin: That would explain it.

>Zelgadiss: *Rapid fire* Well…
>youseeIwasattheYuffDojoandIgotstuckthereforawhilebut- *WHAM!*

Delita: Heh heh....he got stuck in Yuff Dojo..
Agrias: *sigh* Baka...

>PJ CeCe: *Tosses aside broken mallet* Say it normally!

Noin [PJ Cece]: Call me queen!

>Gourry Kat: Was that really necessary?

Noin [PJ Cece]: No but it was fun!

>PJ CeCe: *To Gourry* No, but it was fun! ^^

All but Noin: O_O Whoa...

>Zelgadiss: Anyway, it’s no big deal. Um, where were we in the script?

Zechs [Gourry Kat]: You gotta kill the fruitcake now.
All: YAY!

>Sunny Xelloss: A few lines before Rudy shows up again.

Heero [S. Xelloss]: He's coming to get me.

>Zelgadiss: *Thinks* A few lines… *Lightbulb* Oh, I know where
>we are now! *ahem!* Now what do we do?

Heero: Start that smut movie?
Agrias: Cuddle with Ramza?
Delita: Use Ramza?
Zechs: Get another Tallgeese?
Noin: Get another Zechs plushie?

>Gourry Kat: Get more food? ^^;;
>PJ CeCe: Sounds good to me! ^^;;

Agrias: Tee hee...
Delita: Uh...
Agrias: Nothing nothing...hehe..

>Sunny Xelloss: Ditch these stupid outfits and go on strike?
>*Whispers to Zel* Or ditch these stupid outfits and
>*whisper*whisper*whisper* ^_^

All: ARGH! *they destroy the screen*
Zechs: The hell is so appealing about Zelgadis and Xelloss yaoi?!
Noin: I'm a girl and I still don't agree with yaoi!
Delita: STEADY SWORD! *slashes at the screen*

>Zelgadiss: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!? <(((_O))>;;; *Thankfully, a
>car heads their way, providing a distraction. He mutters…*
>thankyouthankyouthankyou… ^^;;;

>Gourry Kat: *Indicating the car* Isn’t that the Super
>Delicious Ultra Great Atomic Whatchahoozits EX Plus Alpha II
>Championship Edition Turbo? *Gasps for air* ^^;

Heero: I wonder how much Chibi had to give Capcom and Enix for that?
Chibi: I nearly lost my shirt for it! *all the masle occupants of the SoC can be heard snickering* Shut up you perverts!

>PJ CeCe: … close enough. ~.~;;
>Zelgadiss: ……………………

Delita: This script punched up by Vahn.

>Sunny Xelloss: Forget your lines, Zelly-kins? ^_^

All: Argh...

>Zelgadiss: Call me that again and I make you read “The Happy Spell”.

All: *chanting* Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! O_O;;;; *The car pulls up to the
>curb. Rudy gets out of the car*

Zechs: Rudy has a new Pimp-mobile. Heh.
Heero: He's the pimp mac daddy.

>Rudy Chin: Yo. Like the new wheels?
>Gourry Kat: *blink*blink* Just the wheels are new? *WHACK!*

Delita: Okay. Who DIDN'T see that coming?

>PJ CeCe: He meant the car overall, Gourry.

Agrias [Gourry]: Duuurrrr...I like rice.

>Gourry Kat: Oh.
>Zelgadiss: *Hushed; to Rudy* I’m just glad you came by when
>you did; Xelloss was trying to get a little too “friendly”.

Zechs: In this case, friendly-ness is bad.

>Rudy Chin: *Hushed; to Zel* Again? *Normal tone* Anyway, you
>need a ride anywhere?

Noin [Zel]: The dump. We gotta ditch the fruitcake.

>PJ CeCe and Gourry Kat: YEAH! ^^

Agrias: The critics agree. Xelloss SUCKS!

>Rudy Chin: *sweatdrop* Lemme guess, you wanna stop by another
>food place.
>Gourry Kat: Off course! ^_^

Heero: That's where this 'fic is goin' alright. *firm nod*

>PJ CeCe: Where else, Rudy? ^_^

Zechs [Rudy]: My bedroom...

>Rudy Chin: *sweatdrop* Uh, you two coming too?
>Zelgadiss: Do we have a choice?

Agrias [Rudy]: No, now get in the car.

>Rudy Chin: Not unless you want to be forced to read bad fics.
>C’mon, CeCe, Sunny, sit up front with me… You guys can sit
>in the back. *Points to the very, very distant back end of
>the car*

All: *avert their eyes to the very very distant back end of the car*

>[Front of the car]

Zechs: Rudy kicked Xelloss out of the car and did it with Cecilia. Anyone wanna bet?
All but Zechs: *headshake*

>*Rudy tries to pull the car out… but goes backwards and crashes*

Noin: Chibi sums all Alex's luck with women up in one sentence.
Zechs: Or just the fact that he gets the ones that are butt-fugly and just suck figuratively.

>Rudy Chin: Uh, oops. *Pulls the car out of there FAST!*

Delita: You think they're goin' fast?

>[Back of the car]

>*Gourry’s knocked out. Zel’s barely conscious*

Heero: And we're all still here..

>Zelgadiss: oog… If I could drive, I’d do a lot better than he
>does… *Pictures himself driving a car… and running over
>Xelloss… and again and again and again…


>He grins* But how can I do that…? *Lightbulb* Yeah, I know, I
>gotta believe again! ^^;;

>[The Garden Garage]

Noin: It's where the plants park.

>*Quistis Trepe stands in front of a cheaply-designed car*

Delita: Cars made in the US suck. They cut off too much of the original Japanese FFT too! Damn you America!

>Instructor Trepe: So, you want to know how to drive, correct?
>It’s not as simple as you think, but… Just follow my rap and
>you’ll be OK. ^_^;;

>[Inside the car and on the road!]

>Instructor Trepe: OK, we’re here, in this piece of crap car,

Zechs: Must...not...sing...Adam Sandler song..
Alex's voice: I got my...piece of shit caaar. No fuckin' rearview mirror! Piece of shit car...

> Why don’t you show me that you can get far!

Agrias [Quistis]: You're not a minute man like Squall are you?

>*Repeat lines* Step on the gas-
> WATCH THE SPEEDOMETER, ZEL!! (Repeated: [Zel] What’s a

Zechs [Zel]: Does it involve speed?!

> Step on the brakes-


> (Thank goodness for seatbelts…)
>*Stop repeat* Now listen, kid, you gotta be careful!
> Get it right this time or I’ll give you an earful!

Heero: Or a mouthful...
Zechs, Delita and Heero: *lewd snickers*
Noin and Agrias: Perverts...

>*Repeat lines* Step on the gas!
> Hey, you got it! (Note: “You”s turn to “I”s, off course)

Zechs: Just WHAT does off course mean?

> Step on the brakes!
> Hey, that’s right!

Heero: You get the million dollar prize!

> Now step on the gas!
>*Stop repeat* I’m glad you got that figured out!

Noin: You're a big kid now.

> Get this next part right so I won’t have to shout!
>*Repeat lines* Check and turn the signal to the right-
> I SAID THE RIGHT! THE RIIIIIGHT!! (Repeated: [Zel] The
>right?! Aw, bugger!)

Zechs: Uh...
Delita: Zel didn't know which breast to s-*WHAMWHAMWHAM!*

> Just check and turn the signal to the left…
> And turn to the left…
>*Stop repeat* P-pull over, and pull over quick!
> Thanks to you driving, I’m gonna be sick!

All: *vomitting over the backside of their seats* We were moving with the camera!

> *Long pause as Quistis is noisily vomiting outside the car*
> (Zel: I didn’t think I was that bad… <(((_~))>;;;)
> OK, kid, just one more try!

Agrias: Take your pants off this time!

> Mess it up bad again and I think I’ll cry!
>*Repeat lines* Check and turn the signal to the right!
> Slow it down and turn to the right!
> (Not repeated: [I. Trepe] Wow, not bad!)

Delita: I treped.
Zechs: Lame.
Delita: Kiss my ass pretty boy.
Zechs: I'll save that job for Ovelia.

> Now check and turn the signal to the left!
> Slow it down and turn to the left!
> Pull over again…
> You know we’ve pulled over again? (Repeated: [Zel] Because I

Noin: Yep. Tough luck kid.

>*Stop repeat* That’s because you got it right!

Agrias [Quistis]: I'm all hot n' sticky but that's okay!

>Zelgadiss: Do I get my license then?
>Trepe: Since I don’t want to go through this again, yep!
>Zelgadiss: *Sarcastic* Gee, thanks for the vote of
>confidence. <(((.<))>;;

Delita: Zel is cramped in that little car...
Agrias & Noin: Hehehe..

>[License Bureau]
>*A crappy picture is taken of Zel and put on his license… ^^;;*

Alex's Voice: Having flashbacks Zechs?
Zechs: SHUT UP!


Zechs: Once again, the ratings suck.

>End Part 2
>(Merribian Boogaloo! ^^;;)

All: Freedom!

[Reverse Door Sequence]


Zel: So how was it?
Zechs: Interesting.
Noin: Ditto.
Heero: Okay.
Agrias: Fun.
Delita: Boring.
Zel: Too bad. Get used to it.

The new crew members facefault.


Kirk: We have no more time! Tron! Pull de string...er...push the button.
Tron: Servbots! Push the button!
Servbots: RO-GER!

The End of the line! (For real!)

>*Long pause as Quistis is noisily vomiting outside the car*

[Season One MSTings]

Episode 001: Zelgadiss the Rapper - Prologue
Episode 002: The Anime Laws
Episode 003: Zelgadiss the Rapper - I need a hero
Episode 004: Time Flies
Episode 005: Zelgadiss the Rapper - You guys can sit in the back