_____________________________________________________________

Salesman: Ever wish you could lay the smack down like The Rock? If so, we have the product for you.

Second Salesman: JABRONI IN A CAN!

Salesman: Yes, Jabroni In A Can. Now you can lay the smack down on some jabroni's roody poo candy ass just like The Rock. So get ready all you jabronis!

_____________________________________________________________

Leon: I could use one of those...anyway, did you guys find Claire yet?
Zel: We think she took the only escape pod back to Earth..
Leon: So we're stuck until Alex gets us down?
Regina: Yep but we know that'll never happen.

They all stare at a nonexistent camera. The red light flashes.

Zel: The Blues Brothers are calling.

Regina hits the button.

[Umbrella Lab]

Birkin: Good morning my little guinea pigs.
Kirk: It's time for the invention exchange.

[SoC]

Zel, Leon and Regina sigh but slowly uncover a tiny can.

Zel: It's called 'Captioners In A Can'.
Regina: Just one bottle will give you all your favorite captioners in person!

Regina opens the can and the recycled can shakes, spitting out four figures. One captioner stands and scratches her Raichu ears, blinking all the while.

Chibi: What in Zephyr's name is going on here?
Regina: You're a captioner in a can. Our own homemade mishap.

Chibi whips out a mallet and is about flatten Regina when another captioner grabs her hands.

Alex: Calm yourself Chibi...
Chibi: Oh fine...I won't kill her...yet..
RJ: Hey...where are we? I coulda sworn we were having a poker game.
Alex: You're dreaming again RJ...
RJ: The Army'll do that to ya...
Chibi: Maybe someone should wake Aurora up...

The captioners continue to talk, much to the Doctors' dismay.

Regina: So what's YOUR invention good doctor?

[UL]

Kirk: Oh-ho! Prepare to be amazed! For we bring you the....PORT-A-CURSE!
Birkin: One splash could turn you into a girl! Or WORSE!
Kirk and Birkin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[SoC]

Zel, Leon and Regina flee from the bridge in fear, leaving the captioners all alone. Klaxons blare.

Alex: Uh...we got fanfic sign?

[Door Sequence]

Door 6: It's some evil yaoi! Alex and RJ burn it to the ground while Chibi and Aurora keep.
Door 5: It's some nifty yuri! Alex and RJ each get a mallet to the head for gawking too long.
Door 4: It's Rudy Roughknight! You blast him with his own ARM.
Door 3: It's Ashley! You laugh at Kopii Rudy!
Door 2: It's Rini's room. You manage to escape after a few hours.
Door 1: It's a Beat-Me-Xelloss doll. You beat it.
Door .7: It's your standard sliding patio door. You slide it open.

>Zelgadiss the Rapper

Chibi: You're gonna get it Alex.
Alex: How so?
Chibi: I'll kill Teddy again!

Alex squeezes his stuffed teddy bear.

Alex: You leave Teddy alone you evil witch! *WA-TAK!*
Chibi and Aurora: Don't diss Royce!

>Part 1

RJ: Prequel to Electric Boogaloo.

>“I Need to be

Alex and RJ: LAID! *WA-TAK!*

>a Hero!”
>Revised

>*Begin Stupidity! ^^*

Aurora: Welcome to Hell.

>[Inside Curan Burger]

RJ: CUUUURAAAAAAAN!

>*Kefka and Alhazad enter*
>Alhazad: Exit, now.

Chibi [Fuujin]: FEAR, ME.

>Kefka: Uwee, hee, hee! Yeah!

Alex: Listen to my 16-bit giggle! UWEE HEE HEE!

>*Both walk (er, in Al’s case, floats) to Zel’s table*

Chibi [Al]: Got Yaoi? *WHAM!*
Alex and RJ: YAOI BAD!

>Alhazad: Well, well, look what we got here… Lots of food for
>everyone, right?

Aurora: Nope. Just enough for Gourry and Cecilia.

>Kefka: *16-bit clown laugh* Right! ^^
>Alhazad: And a little babe… What the hell is he supposed to
>be?! *Points to Xelloss*

Alex: *loading his UAS-12 automatic shotgun* ..Dead.

>Sunny Xelloss

RJ: More like Cloudy..

>*Gleefully smashing Chibi’s memory cards*

Chibi: WHAT?!

>You care to be next, pal? *evil grin* ^_^
>Alhazad and Kefka: ………………

Alex: This script punched up by Crono.

>Alhazad: *sigh* Just cue that guy who never stops talking
>already.

Aurora [Laguna Loire]: Huh?!

>Kefka: *Half-hearted laugh* Yeah…

Alex: Uwee....

>Rudy Chin: *Suddenly appears; less than enthused as he reads
>from a script* There's no need to fear… Why am I in this role?!
>Jack: *From a nearby stall* Because it pays a lot.

Chibi [Austin]: Who does #2 work for?!
Alex [Tom Arnold]: You tell that little turd!

>Rudy Chin: Oh, right.
>PJ CeCe: Hey, look! It's Rudy! ^^

Aurora [PJ CeCe]: And he's kissing Jack!

There's a bright flash and Aurora is plastered to the ceiling while Alex strikes his Akuma pose with the 'Ten' symbol on his back.

Alex: Yaoi bad.....shoosh...

>Rudy Chin: *Goes back to reading* I have traveled the Seven Seas,

Alex: We...
RJ: Are..
Alex: Men...
RJ and Alex: *pose* OF THE SEA! *BOOOOOM!*

>crossed every mountain known to man,

Chibi: If ya know what I me-*catches the death glare from RJ and Alex, hushes*

>and I know I can kick your asses, so bugger off before I put
>on my Magic Gloves of Glory and open a can of Whup-Ass.

Alex: Whup-Ass, now with extra WHUP!

>*Begins rambling*
>Gourry Kat: I don't think that's the line… ^^;;

RJ [Gourry Kat]: That's my cue card..

>Zelgadiss: Does it matter? Anyway, it's your cue to leave.
>*Gourry, Cecilia, and Xelloss start to leave*

RJ [Gourry]: Fine then! Hmph...
Chibi [Cecilia]: You suck anyway!
Aurora [Xelloss]: I'll be waiting for you all nice and naked..."FIREBALL!" *KA-BOOM!*
Alex [Zelgadiss/Kyo Kusanagi]: *blowing smoke from his fingers* Heh heh..moetaro.

>Sunny Xelloss: He sure can talk… *Points to Rudy*

RJ: Aren't vocal cords amazing?

>PJ CeCe: Eh, when he gets started, it’s hard for him to stop.

Alex [Cecilia]: Like that one night when we were drunk..
Cecilia's voice: SHUT UP! ^_^;;;

>Gourry Kat: But what about our food? ^^;;

Chibi: *mock belch* What food?

>PJ CeCe: Lanford Doughnut ain’t to far off; we’ll get
>something from there… *All three have exited*

Alex: EXIT stage left.
Chibi: Okay...so I made a typo.

>Zelgadiss: *sigh* If I had that talking ability, no one would >bother me any more… But how could I learn to do that? …
>*lightbulb* Yeah, yeah, I guess I gotta believe…

All: *singing* I believe I can fly...I believe I can touch the sky...

>[Yuff Dojo]
>Swipe-Steal Mistress Yuffie: Welcome… to the Yuff… Dojo.
>*Rapid fire* So, you wanna learn who to talk real fast and
>learn some other stuff, ne? Well, let’s see if you can
>follow my rap first, bubby! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! ^_^

Alex: The Curly of Final Fantasy...

>Zelgadiss: … maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… <(((_~))>;;;

RJ [Zel]: Since it wasn't in the first place...

>[Inside the Yuff Dojo]

Alex: Okay...if I hear anything hentai and Yuffie in the same sentence. I'm gonna kill y'all.
Aurora: Damn..
Chibi: You got that Texan thing going Alex.
Alex: You mean the y'all thing?
Chibi: Yeah.
Alex: It doesn't impress the ladies, I'll tell ya that!

>S-SM Yuffie: BooooooooooYAKA!

Selphie's voice: SOMEONE'S USING IT! BOOYAKA!

>Kick! Punch! Who gives a crap?

All: Not us!

>This ain’t the subject of my rap!

Chibi: The subject is 'Ways to join Zel and Xelloss'...
Zelgadiss' voice: Enough of that!
Alex: Yeah! Enough!

>The stuff I’ll teach ya,

Alex [Master Onion]: Is sure to beat ya! Nevertheless you'll get a lesson from teacher ya! *notes the stares* Yeah I played it. Had a demo too.

>Ain’t for free, ya

Alex [Yuffie]: It's $50 an hour...
Aurora: Hypocrite.

>Gotta pay up front, so gimme, ya
>*Repeat lines*
>PAY!

All [Onion Trainees}: OH!

>GIMME!

All [Onion Trainees}: OH!

>MONEY!

All [Onion Trainees}: OH!

>MATERIA!

All [Onion Trainees}: OH!

>*Stop repeat* This ain’t enough!

All: Yes it is!

>*Repeat lines*
>PAY!
>GIMME!

Aurora: A break!

>MONEY!
>MATERIA!
>*Stop repeat* Hey, don’t get too confident,

Alex [Ash]: You'll be like Gary then! FEAR! *slaps his hand over his mouth* Oh my god I just made a Pokémon refrence...oh my god...ohmygodohmygodnonononono!!
Chibi: *pats him on the back* Shhhhh...
Alex: I feel...so...so...DIRTY!
Chibi: *still patting him* Just go take a long bath and we'll handle things for now.
Alex: *sniffle* 'Kay...*scrambles out of the theater*

> You still haven’t met

Chibi: My little friend!

>Invent-Destroy Mistress Precis: C’mon now, *Repeat lines* SUPER!

RJ [Announcer]: COMBO FINISH!

> DELICIOUS!

Lina's voice: FOOD!

>ULTRA GREAT!

Chibi: It's really good.

>ATOMIC PUNCH!

Aurora: NUCLEAR FIST!

>*Stop repeat* Gonna mix it up now!
> ULTRA GREAT!
> SUPER!
> ATOMIC PUNCH!
> DELICIOUS!

All but Chibi: You had to write this didn't you...?

>S-SM Yuffie: *Stop repeat* Hmm, yeah, that’s much bettah!
>But you still won’t get it ‘less ya follow us to the lettah!
>WA-TAK Mistress Nanami: *Repeat lines* Golden Bird Holy >Flower!

Yang: *suddenly punted into the theater* The hell?!
Alex: *from the background* Take over and riff well!
Yang: *sigh* At least I'm getting paid...

>Dragon Tooth Glory Punch
>Holy Bird Golden Tooth!
>Glory Flower Dragon Punch!

RJ: Shouryuken!

>Glory Bird Holy Tooth!
>Dragon Flower Golden Punch!

>S-SM Yuffie: *Stop repeat* OK, you’re getting it; just keep >followin’ my words! We’re almost done, so we’ll make it easy
>at first! I wanna see if you can see what it is to be hyper,
>Don’t retire now!

>*Repeat lines* PAY MONEY GIMME!

Aurora: The only three words Yuffie knew...

>MATERIAPAYMONEY!

Aurora: Make that four...

>I-DM Precis: SUPER DELICIOUS ULTRA GREAT!

RJ: The hell was Enix smoking when they came up with those names?

> ULTRAGREATATOMICPUNCH

Yang: SUPERMEGABUDDYBEAT!

>W-TM Nanami: Golden Holy Dragon Glory!
>BirdFlowerToothPunch!
>All three: PAYSUPERGolden!
>And BOOOOOOOOOOOOOYAKA!!

All: *doing various FF victory poses*

>S-SM Yuffie: Nice work, Zel, you were able to keep up with us! ^_^

Aurora [Yuffie]: I've never met a pimp as good as you!

>I-DM Precis: Yeah! ^_^

Yang: Ashton won't be happy..

>W-TM Nanami: You’re really good at this! ^_^

RJ: Neither will Camus..
Aurora: I thought Camus was with Miki.
Alex: *from the speakers* I HEARD THAT!

>Zelgadiss: Um, thanks… <(((_^))>;;

Chibi [Zel]: I think...could I have my pants back now?

>[Inside Curan Burger; nighttime]

Alex: *from the speakers again* Now those ugly zombie hags infest the town...
RJ: You thinking of your old Castlevania days aren't you?
Alex: *still on speakers* Hell yeah! Bloody Tears all the way!

>Rudy Chin: And… *Checks his watch* CRAP!

Aurora: On his watch? Gross!

>The Upright Citizen’s Brigade’s on! Later, losers! *Runs
>out of the Curan Burger. Alhazad and Kefka turn different
>colors and pass out*

RJ: Someone used Psybeam...*sudden gagging sounds can be heard over the speakers*

>*

Yang: The ratings for the 'fic are in..
Chibi: Silence Kopii Trowa!

>End Chapter 1

RJ: Whatever you're smoking Chibi....I want some.
Citan's voice: I'm her supplier!
Chibi: Hush Citan..

They all exit.

[Reverse Door Sequence]

Door .7: You close the patio door..
Door 1: You beat the Xelloss doll s'more.
Door 2: You venture into Rini's room and escape again.
Door 3: You quickly run from Kopii Rudy before he goes Knight Blazer on your ass.
Door 2: Rudy Roughnight laughs at his evil twin..
Door 5: RJ secretly downloads the yuri..
Door 6: Yang and RJ blow the ashes away.


[SoC]

Alex is holed up in one of the satellite's bedrooms along with his old Nintendo, various sounds of Castlevania can be heard. Chibi and RJ are sitting off toward the corner with Gameboys, locked in a fierce game of.....TENNIS! Aurora is sitting on one of the beds.

Aurora: Did any of you notice that there's only TWO beds in here?
RJ: So?
Aurora: That means we gotta share...
Alex and Chibi: .....

They all glance at each other...

RJ: My Chibi...you're looking lovely today..
Chibi: Don't you dare RJ....
Alex: I think I'll sleep on the floor...

Later that night...

Alex: I don't know HOW you talked me into this Chibi..
Chibi: It could have been worse. You could have been sharing a bed with Yaoi Master Aurora or Yuri Master RJ. Plus, we did flip coins.
Alex: I see your point...

Regina walks into the bedroom and looks down at Alex and Chibi, backing toward the door.

Regina: Oh sorry...hope I didn't ruin your Aura of Smooth Alex...
Alex: This isn't a lemon! We're just friends! I swear!

The fourth wall falls.

____________________________________________________________
The Only End My Friend