"Gotta bash'em all!" - Jake on a field day

[Legal Snuff To Cover My Arse]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Jake S. is his own person.
I, the Great Alexander am the supreme ruler of the universe.
Chibi-chan is also pretty much her own...uh..Raichu I guess.
Regina-chan is property of Capcom.
All characters are property of their respective owners.
Please don't sue me. I'm broooooke. My wallet is just a ruin.


E-mail the nutcase that did this at ZelgadisXeal@aol.com


"The Anime Laws" is owned by Silvertris (I hope I got that right ^_^;) and she's welcome to it. No offense or other bad sutff is meant by this MSTing. No bikini-clad women were harmed by a flock of fanboys in the production of this MSTing.


In the very distant future, around 2033,
There was some guys called William Birkin and Dr. Kirk
They were a couple of nutty guys, the crazy man duo
Leon and Regina put them in their place,
But they came back and shot them into space!


(Birkin and Kirk singing)
We'll send them weird fanfics,
the weirdest I can find! (la la la!)
We'll make them sit and watch them all,
To torture their puny minds! (la la la!)

(Normal Singers)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
When the fanfics begin or end, (la la la!)
They'll try to keep their sanity,
With the help of a few friends


Jaaaaaake! (The light burns!)
Chibi-chan! (Booyaka!)
Aleeeeeex! (YAOI STILL BAD!)
Reginaaaa (That's disgusting.)

If you're wondering how they eat and breath,
And other science facts, (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself "It's not real!
I should really just relax."


[Seating (L to R): Jake, Regina, Chibi and Alex]

Yeah yeah...no skits. So I'm lazy. Bite me, it's fun.


Alex: Saaaay...*WA-TAK!*
Regina: Don't even you pervert!

>The Laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural phenomenon that seem >to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime.

Chibi: Out pooped Sailor Mercury?

>The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents
>into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are
>different from our own (real?)

Alex: Our world is as fake as Tifa's breasts!
Jake: Cloud probably disagrees.

>world. Due to the rather dynamic nature of Anime Science,
>theories and paradigms are generally in a state of constant
>flux, often shifting or changing with the tide of

Jake: Annoying spam mail...

>whimsy. By no means all-inclusive and sometimes not even
>remotely instructive, the following is an enumerated list of
>semi-empirical islands in an ocean of conjecture. It is our
>hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the
>very least, worth a good chuckle.

All but Alex: Chuckle chuckle...
Alex: Hehehehehe......hahahahahahaha...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Iori Yagami laugh (TM)*

>If you've watched enough of it, you'll understand this!

All but: But we haven't...
Regina: *coughBullshitcoughcough*

>#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
>The normal laws of physics do not apply.

Jake: So I can do this!

Jake leaps into the air, hovering in mid-flight for a few minutes before falling back into his seat.

All but Jake: .......

>#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
>Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise
>is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

Chibi: Like so! *punts Alex which sends him flying*
Alex: Eeeeeeee!

>#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
>In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder
>because there is no air to get in the way.

Regina: You're in the way of my exploding!

>#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
>In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

Alex and Jake: *lewd snickers*

>#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
>The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves.
>Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

Alex: Like the Blazer. ^_^ *sigh* My AC is so wonderful..

>#6 - Law of Temporal Variability
>Time is not a constant.

Chibi: As it never was.

>Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or

Alex: *moving in slow motion* Liiiiiikkkkkkeeeeeeee ttttttthhhhhhiiiiiiissssss?

>Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and
>speeds up whenever there is a fight.

Magic Voice: The following clip will be shown to prove this wrong.

A battle from Gundam Wing is shown.

Chibi: Wufei no baka...

>#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality

Alex: You live for a while...then ya die.

>'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways.
>Either so quick they don't even see it coming,

Regina: That's what casting Zombie does. Hits ya so fast ya don't see it comin'.
Alex: Death has never been faster.

>OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains
>much insight to the workings of society, human existence or
>why the toast always lands butter side down.

Jake: ARGH! Why DOES it land butter side down?!
Alex: 'Cause butter....is heavy?
Chibi: Makes sense.

>#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality

Regina: *loading her shotgun* Everything can and will die.

>It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of
>physical damage.

Chibi: Like those Zodiac bosses in FFT!
Alex: I know! Beat the hell out of'em with the strongest weapons ya got and they live!

>Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't
>even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they
>are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil
>damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

Jake: Bullet in forehead...does not compute...

>#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis

*Dramatic Reverb!*

>Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with
>either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright
>color (usually red or white).

Regina: And blue.
Chibi: Quick! Strike a pose! *everyone poses* Voque!

>#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity

Alex: Send in da clones.....oooooo...Ayanami-chan...

>Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy'
>kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times
>from 3 different angles.

Jake [Dudley]: One! Two! The end!

>#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability
>Everything explodes. Everything.

Chibi [Servo]: KA-BOOM!

>First Corrallary -
>Anything that explodes bulges first.

Alex and Jake: Heh heh heh...

>Second Corrallary -
>Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human
>science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable
>of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick

Chibi: Texas would be the Matchstick State then.

>#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
>Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

Jake: I saw the light....and it burns!

>#13 - Law of Energetic Emission
>There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as >an energy 'bulge')

Alex and Jake: *lewd chuckles*

>before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the
>explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is
>related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

Chibi: I don't want to hear about you n' your AC anymore Alex...
Alex: But...

>#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
>The destructive potential of a weapon is inversely
>proportional to its size.

Regina: For details, see Noisy Cricket in MIB.

>#15 - Law of Inexhaustibility
>No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course
>unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and

Alex: But the Heavyarms runs out of ammo...
Regina: Let it go man...

>#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy

Jake: Is this a school made by Lina or something? O_o;;

>The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire
>arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The
>accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases
>when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the
>Stormtrooper Effect)

Chibi: As opposed to the Squallsoldier effect.

>Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside
>down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several
>battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing
>alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.

All: Laf..

>First Corrallary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less
>likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.

Regina: They don't even do damage to the surrounding area?!

>Second Corrallary -
>Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the
>'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take
>them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then

Chibi [OZ Soldier]: Line him up with the beam cannon!
Alex [Zechs]: Foooooooools!
Chibi: OZ ALWAYS destroys their own units...for fun of course.

>Third Corrallary -
>Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in
>a designated 'Good Guy Area',

Jake: Never heard anyone call it that before...*WA-TAK!*

>usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts
>the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than
>driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating
>heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts manoeuvres.

Regina: Like in Dino Crisis when I'm about to die, I can still use my weapons..*CRASH!*
Magic Voice: FOURTH WALL!
Jake: What about complex hentai ma-*WHAM!*
Chibi: Bad Jake.

>#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
>Minmei is a bimbo. (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio

Alex: Who the hell cares about Ohio? The state is full of losers.
Chibi: Ex-girlfriend came from there eh?
Alex: I was on drugs at the time. I didn't know what I was doing.

>#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
>The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes
>more, under high pressure.


>#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
>Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three
>eyes, loads of fangs,

Regina: I'll be Zelgadis wouldn't agree with that...but of course he's blue and has stone on his skin.

>tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown,
>and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

Regina: But Zel...!
Chibi: Give it a rest...heeey...you seem to be talking about Zel quite a bit..
Regina: Don't get any ideas!
Chibi: Don't worry...
Alex and Jake: *deep throaty voices* We won't hurt you...we'll just whip you..

>#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
>Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war
>machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can
>be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example
>of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

Alex: What about OZ....?
Rini: *appears and bashes Alex with a mallet* Leave the nitpicking to me! *poof!*

>#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
>Tactical geniuses aren't....

Jake: Ya think?!

>#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
>People never notice the little things.... Like missing body
>parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

Chibi: It's just a scratch.
Alex: A scratch?! Look!
Chibi: Just a flesh wound..
Alex: What're you gonna do? Bleed on me?
Chibi: Come back here! I'll bite your legs off!

>#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
>Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as

Alex [Child]: *rapidly explains how blackholes are formed and how they can be stopped*
All but Alex: ..........
Chibi: Uh...Washuu just called for you Alex. She wants to...uh..use her magic fingers on you.
Alex: Sweet.
Jake: Just leave out the lemony details.

>#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism
>The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.

Chibi [Chinese Person]: Look at these 'tupid Americans n' they bigga eyes!

>#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual
>The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.

Alex: I think they meant the good guys like...uh..Gourry.

>First Corrallary -
>The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
>Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred
>to as the Green Line Effect)

Jake: Similar to the Green Herb Effect?
Alex: Heh heh...the 'ERB!

>Second Corrallary -
>The only people who are more stupid than the American
>translators are the American editors and censors.

Alex, Jake and Chibi: Which is very true...
Regina: I looked better in the Japanese Dino Crisis...
Alex [Vejita]: I'll send you to another dimension!

>#26 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality
>The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the
>volume at which they are speaking.

Chibi: What about that smiling monster in Slayers Next Vol. 5?

>#27 - Law of Feline Mutation
>Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
>1) be female

Jake: Oooooh yeah.

>2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic >mutation

Alex: There's only a few cat things I like. Leon and Garfield just happen to be two.

>3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any

Jake and Alex: OOOOOOH YEAH!

>#28 - Law of Conservation of Firepower
>Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an
>opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and
>used only as a last resort.

Regina: For example...the Giga Slave.
Lina's Voice: But that can destroy the universe! It HAS to be a last resort!
Regina: Good point...

>#29 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence
>The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha
>is inversely proportional to its complexity.

Regina: Not one word about the ACs Alex...
Alex: *fumbling with the controls for his desktop*

>#30 - Law of Melee Luminescence

Chibi: Melee weapons are bright things?
Alex: The only thing that emits like is the Heavy P-Gun in Front Mission III, everything else just hits n' stuff.

>Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts >prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a
>glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and
>red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher
>in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

Alex: So good means powerful?
Jake: If that's the case, I'll be good.

>#31 - Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
>All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually
>hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

Alex [Alien]: Damn Earthlings stole my sandwich! I will destroy them!

>#32 - Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
>Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural
>hair color. This color can change without warning or

Alex: *dunks his hair into a tub of blue dye*
Jake: *dunks his hair into a tub of green dye*
Chibi: *dunks her hair into a tub of pink dye*
Regina: *just sits there seeing as how her hair is crimson*

>#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime
>*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is
>automatically aerodynamic.

Chibi: Like the Alex-ball!
Alex: No! Not the Alex-ball!

Chibi punts Alex, who curls up into a perfect sphere in mid-flight.

>#34 - Law of Probable Attire
>Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
>Female characters wear as little clothing as possible,

Jake: Heh heh heh...

>regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically

Regina: Hey! It's snowing! Lemme try this bikini on now!

>Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will
>invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off

Jake: Heh heh heh...
Regina: Cheap hentai trick.

>Whenever there is a head wind, a Male character will
>invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement
>and billows out dramatically behind him.

Alex: *rolling back into his seat* Though Link isn't an anime character, he doesn't have a cloak or anything.

>First Corrallary (Cryo-Adaptability) -
>All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold
>temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing
>in snow.

Regina: Except the cast of Pokémon. They'll die in the snow sooner or later..
All: *cackle evilly, rubbing their hands together*

>Second Corrallary (Indecent Invulnerability) -
>Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

Jake: Intense swimwear defense! Can we prove this law on you n' Regina?
Chibi: Of course not!
Alex: Does this mean that if you wear a bikini, Death couldn't lay a finger on you?
Chibi: Don't get any ideas Alex.
Alex: It's bad enough you guys made me and Jake dress as Juni and Juli.
Regina: *ala Star Ocean 2* Bikini: A comfortable piece of clothing for women. Wearing this grants you the ultimate defense.

>#35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence
>Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an
>instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much
>more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime,
>stopping an intergalactic war, and so on...especially if
>they have never done it before.

Jake [Civilian]: Well well! Here's Wing Zero! Let me just climb in...

______________________________________________________________The End is here

>Constant thrust equals constant velocity

[Season One MSTings]

Episode 001: Zelgadiss the Rapper - Prologue
Episode 002: The Anime Laws