- Kasumi Todoh, King of Fighters '99

[Legal Ass-coverage]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Regina, Leon and Claire are all owned by Capcom.
Zelgadis Xeal is my own original character so nyah.
All other characters are property of their respective owners.

[Contact]

E-mail this poor tortured soul at ZelgadisXeal@aol.com

[Discleaner]

This is not an attack or attempt to make the author look bad. It's all in good clean fun. Oh yeah... Zelgadiss The Rapper is Chibi-chan's work and as a writer, she's entitled to it.
All rights reserved. Now then...*Ernest voice* Let's do it.

_____________________________________________________________

In the very distant future, around 2033,
There was a guy called William Birkin, Who was workin' for Umbrella
He was a nutty guy, a crazy man
Leon and Claire put him in his place,
But he came back to life and planned to send them into space!

(The mayor's daughter screams)

(Birkin and Kirk singing)
We'll send them weird fanfics,
the weirdest I can find! (la la la!)
We'll make them sit and watch them all,
To torture their puny minds! (la la la!)

(Normal Singers)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
When the fanfics begin or end, (la la la!)
They'll try to keep their sanity,
With the help of a few friends

(UMBRELLA HIT LIST!)

Leoooooon! (Game over.)
Claire! (Noooooo!)
Zelgadis! (Oh #$^&..)
Reginaaaa (This sucks.)

If you're wondering how they eat and breath,
And other science facts, (la la la!)
Just repeat to yourself "It's not real!
I should really just relax."

...for EVIL FANFIC THEATER 8475!! (BWAAAAANG!)

[RPD, S.T.A.R.S Room]

Leon Kennedy is picking up Chris' diary when he vanishes in a blue flash, dropping the diary and exposing a picture of Jill in a bikini.

[RPD, East Hall]

Claire Redfield is about to be munched by a zombie when she vanishes in a red flash. The zombie falls on it's face, smearing it all over the wood floor.

[Midgar, Seventh Heaven]

Zelgadis Xeal is in the process of getting drunk off his vampiric butt when he disappears in a silver flash.

[Ibis Island, Research Facility]

Regina is backing away from some raptors when she disappears in a crimson flash, leaving the raptors dinnerless.

[Satellite of Chiga]

Leon creeping down a hall slowly, custom shotgun in hand. He turns a corner and bumps into Regina, nearly blowing her a new hole. Surprised to see another human being rather than some brain eater, Leon helps her up.

Leon: Sorry about that. Care to tell me who you are?
Regina: Regina. You?
Leon: Leon Kennedy of the Raccoon City Police.

Meanwhile on some other part of the satellite...

Claire: Where the hell am I?

A red button flashes on a console in the corner of the room. Claire pushes it without knowing what might happen. Dr. Birkin appears on a monitor.

[Umbrella's Secret Lab]

Birkin: Mwahahaha! How do you like your new home my little lab rat?
Claire: *dripping with sarcasm* It's lovely.
Birkin: Really?
Claire: No.
Birkin: Have my other subjects arrived yet?
Kirk: What do you mean 'my'? They are OUR subjects.
Birkin: Well it was my idea to send them up there!
Kirk: Well I built the machine that sent them up there!

Claire continues to watch them as Leon, Regina and Zel walk onto the bridge.

Leon: I thought we killed Birkin...
Regina: And I could have sworn I captured Dr. Kirk..

Claire looks at Zelgadis.

Claire: Who's that?
Zel: I'm Zel...
Claire: Oh...

Dr. Kirk and Birkin stop arguing and turn to glare at them.

Kirk: Bwahaha! I escaped of course!
Birkin: Now that we have you. We are going to get our revenge!
Zel: By doing...?
Birkin: By making you read extremely odd fanfics! BAW HAW HAW HAW!

Everyone just stares at him.

Zel: That's...supposed to be bad?
Birkin: We're gonna make you read them until you go...
Kirk: INSANE!
Leon: That isn't possible.
Birkin: We'll send you yaoi 'fics!
Leon: NOOOOOOOO!

Leon freaks out and unloads most of his shotgun shells into the monitor. A siren goes off as a yellow button flashes.

Regina: We got fanfic sign!

*Door Sequence*

Door 6: It's Xelloss, you force him to commit hara kiri before moving on.
Door 5: It's an empty room. You fall through a trap door.
Door 4: It's a pet door, Zel reduces the wall to ashes with a fire blast.
Door 3: It's Asuka. You bow to her before sneaking away.
Door 2: It's Nemesis. You choose to escape and leave through a nearby door.
Door 1: Your everyday sliding patio door. You slide it open.

Seating [From Left to Right]: Zel, Claire, Leon and Regina.

>Zelgadiss the Rapper

Everyone glances over at Zel.
Zel: It's not me! I'm a completely different person! I couldn't rap if my life depended on it..

>Prologue

Zel: 'Bloodlines'.

>Featuring…

>Zelgadiss Greywords

Claire: Zelgadis Greywers' alternate personality.

>as Zelgadiss the Rapper!

Leon: Gift rapper that is.
Zel: Coolio is not amused.

>Xelloss Metallium as… well, “Sore wa, himitsu desu!”

Zel: Sore wa himitsu desu meaning the character that dies first.

>Gourry Gabriev as Gourry Kat!

Regina: That's probably how he'd spell cat too.
Leon: I thought it was Katt.

>Cecilia Lynn Adlehyde as PJ CeCe!

Zel: Hehe. I cece your PJs.
Claire: That was...lame.
Zel: It's the best I could think of.

>Rudy Roughnight as Rudy Chin!

Magic Voice: The good twin of Rudy Roughknight.
All: *stare at the speakers* ....

>And many, many more! ^_^

All [monotone]: Yay.

>*Start Stupidity! ^_^*

Zel: As opposed to ending it.

>[Movie Theater]

Everyone looks for cameras.

>*A teddy bear is being threatened by a large, pear-shaped cycloptic
>monster.

Regina [Pear Monster]: Fear me and my VITAMINS! HAHAHAHA!
Everyone else [Viewers]: AAAHHHHHHHHH!

>In the background, music plays…*

>o/~ When Jessy flies,

All: She REALLY flies!

>she flies through any wea~~ther…*Jessica de Alkirk flies and
>circles around the monster*

Leon [Pear Monster, Minnesota Farmer]: Whee dawgie lookit her go!

>When Jessy flies, she flies through any wea~~ther…

Claire: *mimics flying sounds followed by a clap of thunder*
Regina: *makes crashing sounds*

>*Jessica the grabs the teddy bear from the clutches of the
>now dizzied monster* When Jessy loves!

Zel: *making hentai motions* She loves'em all night long! *WA-TAK!*
Claire: Hentai!
Zel: Just being a male..

>She loves all the children and… she sails through the sky
>*Close-up of Jessy and the now-relieved teddy bear flying
>away* and *unintelligble* to make us love! o/~ *Jessy has
>sky-written “The End”. Zel, a person dressed as a flower,
>Gourry, and Cecilia leave the theater*

Leon: Only to be ambushed and killed by Nemesis, who picks them up and snaps their necks, dropping them before applying the elbow drop of death.
Claire: Feeling dark?
Leon [Austin Powers]: Yeah baby.

>[Outside]

>*The group heads to the Curan Burger across the street*

Zel: CUUUURRRAAAAAAAAAAN!

>PJ CeCe: Well, that movie sucked.

Leon: This 'fic is elevating to that level too.

>Zelgadiss: *Nods and mumbles something*

Regina [Zel]: Must kill Xelloss..
Zel: Are you a mind reader Regina?

>Flower-type person: (I’m gonna kill Chibi for making me wear
>this get up!) It had its high points… ^_^;;

Claire: This 'fic'll only have a high point when the fruitcake dies.

>PJ CeCe and Zel: Yeah, “The End”!

All: It's over! *they all get up to leave*
Birkin's Voice: Not yet!
All: Damn!

>Gourry: *Scratches his head* Why isn’t Lina here?

Leon [Zel]: She escaped the 'fic.
Claire: Too bad we can't.

>PJ CeCe: She lucked out and got the role of “Li-san” for
>“UmJammer Amelia”.

Zel: So 'li-san' closely.

>Gourry: Um what Amelia?

Regina [Amelia]: I said keep going! Since Lina took Zel-sama from me, I'll take you from her!

>PJ CeCe: Never mind, Gourry. *All enter the Curan Burger*

> [Inside Curan Burger]

Zel takes a deep breath. Claire and Regina slap their hands over his mouth.

>*All are ordering food*
>PJ Cece: *Her name show up in the upper right* Right side of
>the menu. *Gets a HUGE tray and waddles off with it*

Regina (Servo): I'm HUGE!
Zel: PJ Cece is PenPen!
Leon: PJ Cece is...a GLUTTON!

>Gourry Kat: *Name appears in upper right* Left side of the
>menu! ^_^ *Gets an even BIGGER tray and waddles off with
>it*

Leon [Bud Penguin]: Dooby dooby...

>Flower-type person: *His name appears in the upper right.
>It’s Sunny Xelloss! ^^*

Claire and Regina scream bloody murder. Zelgadis is hacking the screen to pieces with his sword as he senses a degree of yaoi. Leon whips out the Gatling Gun and unloads countless bullets into the screen.

>Vengeance on the one who put me in this pink abomination she
>calls an “outfit”. *Gets handed Memory Cards and
>instructions to shake them hard* ^_^;

Claire: Sort of like dipping your dirty balls in alcohol and rubbing gently.

>Zelgadiss: *Name in upper right… (*rolls eyes*)* (There he
>is… Finally, Chibi finally torments someone other than me.
>*snicker*)

Zel [Himself]: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

>Guy in the funny hat at the microphone: *Annoyed* Your order,
>please.

Regina [Ed]: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your ooooorder?

>Zelgadiss: Uh, water. <(((_~))>;;

All: SPLASH!

>Guy in funny hat yadda yadda yadda: *Hand him a glass* Here
>it is.

Claire [Guy in Funny Hat]: It's from Mexico so you gotta be careful.

>End Prologue

Zel: Freedom!

Zel darts for the doors.

*Reverse Door Sequence*

Door 1: You close the patio door.
Door 2: Nemesis is waiting for you, Zel gets Inverse on his candy ass.
Door 3: You walk over the ashes of the wall.
Door 4: Asuka is whipping Shinji, you sneak away.
Door 5: You find a way up to the trap door and climb out.
Door 6: Alex appears and laughs at Xelloss' dead body.

[Satellite of Chiga]

Regina and Zel are sitting at a table in the lounge area, having a nice lil' conversation.

Zelgadis: I don't look like him...
Regina: I dunno...he kinda looks like you.
Zel: For the last time. I don't look like Kotaro Hiba!
Regina: What about the sword? Looks like Kotaro's.

The red button flashes and Regina throws her gun at it, turning the monitor on.

[Umbrella's Secret Lab]

Kirk: Ready to give up?
Birkin: Yeah! Are ya?

[SoC]

Zel: Uh...NO!
Regina: Yeah. That 'fic was simply weird, not weird enough to throw us into the lake of insanity.

[USL]

Kirk: Dammit! We gotta find something worse!
Birkin: ...? Where'd Claire and Leon go?

[SoC]

Zel blushes and point down a hall to the broom closet.

Regina: Claire is...uh...comforting Leon since he freaked out at the beginning of the 'fic.
Zel: Anyway...toodles!
______________________________________________________________

The Real End

>"When Jessy flies, she flies through any wea~~ther…"